TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of location. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have One more position where by American Adult men can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Absolutely everyone a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war Trump Tower Damascus zone. It is really that he must prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Area, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting interest from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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